Dream Log:
I am trying to get to the Steeler's football game. I am sitting in a bar doing shots... of coffee.
I am on the phone with the airlines for my flight to the game and they are telling me there are no tickets available. The agent is very arrogant and less than helpful.
Scene shift... I am at the game, looking for my seat. I find it and sit down just as the football comes sailing into my arms from a long pass. The field judge comes over to ask me if I want to keep the ball. I keep it.
8:54 a.m.
Well Xmas was a blast, but I swear that next year I will be going all out. Tree, lights on the house, carols as of Dec 1. I was ashamed of my lack of participation in this year's Xmas. That makes three years in a row I let myself go for Xmas. : )
I did slip on the grass over Xmas, but I wasn't too badly hurt. I will just redouble my efforts to watch my step from now on.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Day 9
Dream Log:
A. I am playing a stand up bass in a elementary school. I don't know where I am supposed to be setting up to play so I am wandering around the school asking different people where I should be. I am very nervous about going on stage and I think I am getting lost on purpose.
The band members, once I find them, end up being people I don't know except one guy, my boss (who is a musician in real life funny enough). There are alot of moto MX dressed kids everywhere...
I am waiting for word on someone. I keep asking my dead sister if she has heard from this person yet.
While setting up on stage I am watching the lead singer of the group Alabama play the bass line from Sweet Home Alabama.
My boss comes over to me and another band member at one point and tells us both that my other boss is on his way and needs $100 to pay for the head of cattle. I know I have the hundred in my wallet but I don't want to give it up. The other band member finally pays it.
B. I am driving in a VW bus down a country road and I am pulled over by a couple of crooked cops. (I know they are crooked because the scene shifts to them discussing how they are going to plant a bag with a toenail and a fingernail in it on my van so the local cops will have to take over the case they don't want to deal with.
When they search the bus, they find empty bags of chips, cookies, etc. and they say "Oh you must have some incredible fucking munchies!" I quip back "Does this bus LOOK like it was cleaned recently?"
They let me drive off with the evidence in my bus but they pull me over a few miles up the dirt country road. They look in the bus for the evidence but they can't find it as I threw it out the window when I saw them plant it.
C. A bunch of friends and I are sitting around a table next to a big window having a meal together when I look out the window and it is snowing. It is snowing on Christmas Day in San Diego. This renews my Xmas spirit totally.
9:15 a.m.
One day before Xmas and finally my heart feels full of the Xmas spirit again! It has been three years that I have not celebrated Xmas in my usual fashion, all out!
No tree, no lights, no carols in the air... Not like me at all. I celebrate Xmas all year round usually. Well this is the last year that life interrupts Xmas. Next year the biggest tree, lights on the house, and carols as of Dec 1!
Merry Christmas to all of the world.
A. I am playing a stand up bass in a elementary school. I don't know where I am supposed to be setting up to play so I am wandering around the school asking different people where I should be. I am very nervous about going on stage and I think I am getting lost on purpose.
The band members, once I find them, end up being people I don't know except one guy, my boss (who is a musician in real life funny enough). There are alot of moto MX dressed kids everywhere...
I am waiting for word on someone. I keep asking my dead sister if she has heard from this person yet.
While setting up on stage I am watching the lead singer of the group Alabama play the bass line from Sweet Home Alabama.
My boss comes over to me and another band member at one point and tells us both that my other boss is on his way and needs $100 to pay for the head of cattle. I know I have the hundred in my wallet but I don't want to give it up. The other band member finally pays it.
B. I am driving in a VW bus down a country road and I am pulled over by a couple of crooked cops. (I know they are crooked because the scene shifts to them discussing how they are going to plant a bag with a toenail and a fingernail in it on my van so the local cops will have to take over the case they don't want to deal with.
When they search the bus, they find empty bags of chips, cookies, etc. and they say "Oh you must have some incredible fucking munchies!" I quip back "Does this bus LOOK like it was cleaned recently?"
They let me drive off with the evidence in my bus but they pull me over a few miles up the dirt country road. They look in the bus for the evidence but they can't find it as I threw it out the window when I saw them plant it.
C. A bunch of friends and I are sitting around a table next to a big window having a meal together when I look out the window and it is snowing. It is snowing on Christmas Day in San Diego. This renews my Xmas spirit totally.
9:15 a.m.
One day before Xmas and finally my heart feels full of the Xmas spirit again! It has been three years that I have not celebrated Xmas in my usual fashion, all out!
No tree, no lights, no carols in the air... Not like me at all. I celebrate Xmas all year round usually. Well this is the last year that life interrupts Xmas. Next year the biggest tree, lights on the house, and carols as of Dec 1!
Merry Christmas to all of the world.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Day 8
8:50 a.m.
Dream Log: NASCAR
Well last night was hillarious!! I was a NASCAR driver, but not on the superspeedways with the corporate sponsors. This was more like the Little Rascals version of NASCAR with rickety cars and sponsors like the Kountry Kitchen.
The race was uneventful, but some of the cars designs were a total crack up! Just use your imagination!
Dream shifted to something else, but silly me thinking I would just remember it did not record it at the time. Next time.
On a personal note, noticed today that I was losing sight of the end goal just for a moment. I took oaths, as surely as any Aes Sedai swearing on the Oath Road in the White Tower (Robert Jordan, Author www.tor.com/jordan/), I took them and I will uphold them.
Just found myself wondering this a.m. what was so bad that led me to take them in the first place. Quickly reminded myself that memories were not requirements for keeping your oath, you keep it regardless.
I am excited about what is happening with my music too. I am branching out (well some would say I am just relaxing) but for me it is great to stretch the limits of what I did and do with my songs. I am finding new ways to add more depth and the possibilities are just endless!
Can't wait to see J this Friday to get a chance to collaborate some more.
As Porcupine Tree (www.porcupinetree.com) sings... it's the Start of Something Beautiful.
10:15 a.m.
In this interesting journey into the nature of what you fear most, I find some things not as I expected them to be. For example, I always hated being home alone. Dreaded it. Would hear voices, see people, jump at every noise, etc. I assumed that meant I was afraid to be alone.
Then it dawned on me... I work from home. I am alone all damn day with no problem.
I'm not afraid of being alone... I'm afraid of the dark!! (Silly, but true.)
Knowing what you fear gives you power over it. So let the games begin... Bring it on Boogie Man... I'll show it to ya!!!
Dream Log: NASCAR
Well last night was hillarious!! I was a NASCAR driver, but not on the superspeedways with the corporate sponsors. This was more like the Little Rascals version of NASCAR with rickety cars and sponsors like the Kountry Kitchen.
The race was uneventful, but some of the cars designs were a total crack up! Just use your imagination!
Dream shifted to something else, but silly me thinking I would just remember it did not record it at the time. Next time.
On a personal note, noticed today that I was losing sight of the end goal just for a moment. I took oaths, as surely as any Aes Sedai swearing on the Oath Road in the White Tower (Robert Jordan, Author www.tor.com/jordan/), I took them and I will uphold them.
Just found myself wondering this a.m. what was so bad that led me to take them in the first place. Quickly reminded myself that memories were not requirements for keeping your oath, you keep it regardless.
I am excited about what is happening with my music too. I am branching out (well some would say I am just relaxing) but for me it is great to stretch the limits of what I did and do with my songs. I am finding new ways to add more depth and the possibilities are just endless!
Can't wait to see J this Friday to get a chance to collaborate some more.
As Porcupine Tree (www.porcupinetree.com) sings... it's the Start of Something Beautiful.
10:15 a.m.
In this interesting journey into the nature of what you fear most, I find some things not as I expected them to be. For example, I always hated being home alone. Dreaded it. Would hear voices, see people, jump at every noise, etc. I assumed that meant I was afraid to be alone.
Then it dawned on me... I work from home. I am alone all damn day with no problem.
I'm not afraid of being alone... I'm afraid of the dark!! (Silly, but true.)
Knowing what you fear gives you power over it. So let the games begin... Bring it on Boogie Man... I'll show it to ya!!!
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Day 7
9:00 a.m.
Good Morning!
Dream Log: Was on an ice pond with the President of the United States, the VP (Who was Al Gore strangely enough) and the entire Secret Service detachment. We were finishing up a meeting and the VP was whisked away across the ice in the presidential motorcade and away he went.
The prez then went over to this igloo and slipped into the entrance (which was tiny) and I followed. The entrance was so small that I was afraid to go in as I felt it was too tight and small. He went in and I stuck my head in to watch where he was headed.
He jumped into this plastic tube and was shot off along this waterslide like contraption to the White House. Dream shifts at this point to a schematic of all the water slide type routes that are under the White House.
Never did get the nerve to try it myself though.
Weird huh?
OK. Today I am feeling much better. The angst of yesterday and the day before seems to be subsiding, giving credence to the theory that all I needed was a few days to chill and I would be fine.
Wrote like a madman on my songs last night and made some really good progress. I think with J's help I will really be able to turn out some decent material, at least for open mic nights.
It's funny but true. The biggest hinderance to my being a better musician is I am too much the perfectionist with my songs. Need to leave well enough alone and just be happy when I reach a spot in the song that I like.
Update on the sister situation... Seems she is ok after all.
Good Morning!
Dream Log: Was on an ice pond with the President of the United States, the VP (Who was Al Gore strangely enough) and the entire Secret Service detachment. We were finishing up a meeting and the VP was whisked away across the ice in the presidential motorcade and away he went.
The prez then went over to this igloo and slipped into the entrance (which was tiny) and I followed. The entrance was so small that I was afraid to go in as I felt it was too tight and small. He went in and I stuck my head in to watch where he was headed.
He jumped into this plastic tube and was shot off along this waterslide like contraption to the White House. Dream shifts at this point to a schematic of all the water slide type routes that are under the White House.
Never did get the nerve to try it myself though.
Weird huh?
OK. Today I am feeling much better. The angst of yesterday and the day before seems to be subsiding, giving credence to the theory that all I needed was a few days to chill and I would be fine.
Wrote like a madman on my songs last night and made some really good progress. I think with J's help I will really be able to turn out some decent material, at least for open mic nights.
It's funny but true. The biggest hinderance to my being a better musician is I am too much the perfectionist with my songs. Need to leave well enough alone and just be happy when I reach a spot in the song that I like.
Update on the sister situation... Seems she is ok after all.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Day 6
10:05 a.m.
Well like the wise man said... Here's your ticket son, now get on the train.
Today the train pulled back into pissedoffville and I have the lead car.
Why am I so damn angry again? It isn't readily apparent.
Keep trying to find a reason and none comes to mind. I'm eating well, sleeping plenty, running every morning, so what is it? Rhetorical question.
Thought perhaps I wanted to be alone, but got a taste of that and didn't like it, so that isn't it.
Still transferring I suppose, old habits...
Let's see how the day goes.
10:35 a.m.
Well leave it to me to be so mercurial that 30 minutes later I am fine again, right? LOL
Truth be told it was C who hipped me to what was causing the angst...
Having to deal with the stress of the Holidays with the family where my convictions will be severly tested is making me feel an impending doom that just isn't real.
I did talk to L last night and the desire to say "Hey, come on over!" was there and I fought it down.
So hang on to your seats kids, shit will be changing again shortly I'm sure!!
1:58 p.m.
From B: Mike, there's another line to that song that blows me away when I come to it every single time, and I'd be interested in hearing how it's affected you. Towards the end, Richard Patrick (lead singer) thunders at the top of his lungs "Hey Dad! Whaddya think about your son now?!" Laced with rafter-shaking rage, self awareness, and genuine, healthy pride it's like an eight word anthem to men everywhere, and each of us will feel it very differently.
As this song blasts in the background, I sit here thinking of how it affects me to hear this song. So much of what B has to say hits home with me every time. This song does just as you say, it makes you feel like you can do anything and damn well should!
I was never a music fan. I liked the few songs I liked and that was that. One of the major factors in my musical awareness has been Radio Paradise (www.radioparadise.com). If you haven't yet discovered it, give it one full day of your time and you will never leave.
Music has become for important for me and has become a catalyst for change. Songs can say so much about where you are in your life and can really show you where you want to be if you just listen.
Just last night I was having a conversation with someone who within the first three seconds of speaking with me said "you have the most amazing energy." Energy is life and life is energy (See String Theory Physics) and you must embrace it as such.
Music is also energy. At least for me (and B) it is. I can draw strength from it and I can use it to calrify and quantify emotions, I can use it to feel or change. I implore you to take the time today to find some energy flow inside of you and examine it.
2:20 p.m.
Can I just tell you that this blogging shit really is helping calm me down and staty centered. Rock on.
2:40 p.m.
Why is it the ones we care most about are the ones who most often dissapoint us? Proximity? I hate to think it is just the fact that you see them everyday making it more likely they will be the number one transgressor.
My little sister's bday was this week. Her fiancee had promised a surprise dinner, etc. That poor girl was left high and dry... No dinner, no presents, nothing. Not even from me which is killing me inside. I sent presents, but late, assuming they would be lost in the sauce of all her other gifts. Little did I know what it would have meant for at least one person who loves her to be there for her.
But it gets worse... She tried to call me several times when she was so sad about all this and I wasn't here for her for that either.
So what now?
I wrote back, sent love, sent gifts but still the damage is done. How can people be so damn cruel and heartless to those they love? Am I trying to hard to make up for the love her "family" should be giving her? Could I do anything less and still be ok with myself?
Some would say there is no way you can be there for her. Some would say you can't take the place of those closest to her... Granted. But I can try my very damn hardest to let her know she is loved no matter what. The very thing those she shares her day to day life with should be doing.
Love is a tricky thing. Some of us spend our whole lives running to it, others from it. Personally I couldn't be annything other than a peronification of love. I love unconditionally, stranger, family, animal, plant or mineral.
I guess that is why I am so flabergasted at this whole ordeal. Being half a globe away and not being able to do a damn thing about it is killing me too.
4:15 p.m.
Changes. How can they be so liberating for some and so detremental to others?
The thing about changes in who you are is the fact those around you don't change. You are forced to accept that your new changes may not fall in line with where your last changes brought you.
Personally I am scared that those who know me best will find a way to pull down this house of cards before the glue sets and the walls become made of steel.
See therein lies the fundamental problem with changing after so long as the same person. Everyone who has seen you try to change before and fall flat on your face (several times) assumes this is just another attempt, doomed to the same result as the last.
For me, it is different this time. There has been a baseline shift... My line in the sand has been crossed, wiped out and drawn again further up the beach. My challenge now is not how to find a way to become who I want to be, but rather to find a way to hold on to this new found enlightenment long enough for it to take hold and become my new reality.
I know the change has happened. I can feel it in my bones. Do I resent those around me for not seeing it? Perhaps I am just angry with the idea that these are the very people who can, without much effort or even meaning to, can make me doubt the reality of the change and waver in my conviction to it.
Why should I be so concerned with them if this is a soul deep, bone sure change? Because I doubt when I am instructed to. We all do. I can't have that in my life at this point.
I think it was Sheryl Crow who said "A Change Would Do You Good" Amen to that sister.
So why write all this? Well kids, funny enough, writing it here releives me of the worry and doubt surrounding the fear of "exposure" to negative influences. I will keep writing about it until I have this monkey off my back and these changes are cemented in place.
I want so much more now from life than I ever did before. I want it, but not at the cost of anyone else. Therin lies the first journey I must take. Where do I stop and the world begin? Truth be told right now there is no line of demarcation.
The world and I are the same flow of energy, moving in and out of lives, however breifly, leaving energy here, taking it there, always flowing though. I have to make a decision (or do I?) about where I stop and the world begins.
To free flow with the world has served me well to this point and I will never give up the flow or my part in it. All I want is a paddle... I want to be able to direct my own path through the flow of life's energies rather than just being washed where it takes me.
Well like the wise man said... Here's your ticket son, now get on the train.
Today the train pulled back into pissedoffville and I have the lead car.
Why am I so damn angry again? It isn't readily apparent.
Keep trying to find a reason and none comes to mind. I'm eating well, sleeping plenty, running every morning, so what is it? Rhetorical question.
Thought perhaps I wanted to be alone, but got a taste of that and didn't like it, so that isn't it.
Still transferring I suppose, old habits...
Let's see how the day goes.
10:35 a.m.
Well leave it to me to be so mercurial that 30 minutes later I am fine again, right? LOL
Truth be told it was C who hipped me to what was causing the angst...
Having to deal with the stress of the Holidays with the family where my convictions will be severly tested is making me feel an impending doom that just isn't real.
I did talk to L last night and the desire to say "Hey, come on over!" was there and I fought it down.
So hang on to your seats kids, shit will be changing again shortly I'm sure!!
1:58 p.m.
From B: Mike, there's another line to that song that blows me away when I come to it every single time, and I'd be interested in hearing how it's affected you. Towards the end, Richard Patrick (lead singer) thunders at the top of his lungs "Hey Dad! Whaddya think about your son now?!" Laced with rafter-shaking rage, self awareness, and genuine, healthy pride it's like an eight word anthem to men everywhere, and each of us will feel it very differently.
As this song blasts in the background, I sit here thinking of how it affects me to hear this song. So much of what B has to say hits home with me every time. This song does just as you say, it makes you feel like you can do anything and damn well should!
I was never a music fan. I liked the few songs I liked and that was that. One of the major factors in my musical awareness has been Radio Paradise (www.radioparadise.com). If you haven't yet discovered it, give it one full day of your time and you will never leave.
Music has become for important for me and has become a catalyst for change. Songs can say so much about where you are in your life and can really show you where you want to be if you just listen.
Just last night I was having a conversation with someone who within the first three seconds of speaking with me said "you have the most amazing energy." Energy is life and life is energy (See String Theory Physics) and you must embrace it as such.
Music is also energy. At least for me (and B) it is. I can draw strength from it and I can use it to calrify and quantify emotions, I can use it to feel or change. I implore you to take the time today to find some energy flow inside of you and examine it.
2:20 p.m.
Can I just tell you that this blogging shit really is helping calm me down and staty centered. Rock on.
2:40 p.m.
Why is it the ones we care most about are the ones who most often dissapoint us? Proximity? I hate to think it is just the fact that you see them everyday making it more likely they will be the number one transgressor.
My little sister's bday was this week. Her fiancee had promised a surprise dinner, etc. That poor girl was left high and dry... No dinner, no presents, nothing. Not even from me which is killing me inside. I sent presents, but late, assuming they would be lost in the sauce of all her other gifts. Little did I know what it would have meant for at least one person who loves her to be there for her.
But it gets worse... She tried to call me several times when she was so sad about all this and I wasn't here for her for that either.
So what now?
I wrote back, sent love, sent gifts but still the damage is done. How can people be so damn cruel and heartless to those they love? Am I trying to hard to make up for the love her "family" should be giving her? Could I do anything less and still be ok with myself?
Some would say there is no way you can be there for her. Some would say you can't take the place of those closest to her... Granted. But I can try my very damn hardest to let her know she is loved no matter what. The very thing those she shares her day to day life with should be doing.
Love is a tricky thing. Some of us spend our whole lives running to it, others from it. Personally I couldn't be annything other than a peronification of love. I love unconditionally, stranger, family, animal, plant or mineral.
I guess that is why I am so flabergasted at this whole ordeal. Being half a globe away and not being able to do a damn thing about it is killing me too.
4:15 p.m.
Changes. How can they be so liberating for some and so detremental to others?
The thing about changes in who you are is the fact those around you don't change. You are forced to accept that your new changes may not fall in line with where your last changes brought you.
Personally I am scared that those who know me best will find a way to pull down this house of cards before the glue sets and the walls become made of steel.
See therein lies the fundamental problem with changing after so long as the same person. Everyone who has seen you try to change before and fall flat on your face (several times) assumes this is just another attempt, doomed to the same result as the last.
For me, it is different this time. There has been a baseline shift... My line in the sand has been crossed, wiped out and drawn again further up the beach. My challenge now is not how to find a way to become who I want to be, but rather to find a way to hold on to this new found enlightenment long enough for it to take hold and become my new reality.
I know the change has happened. I can feel it in my bones. Do I resent those around me for not seeing it? Perhaps I am just angry with the idea that these are the very people who can, without much effort or even meaning to, can make me doubt the reality of the change and waver in my conviction to it.
Why should I be so concerned with them if this is a soul deep, bone sure change? Because I doubt when I am instructed to. We all do. I can't have that in my life at this point.
I think it was Sheryl Crow who said "A Change Would Do You Good" Amen to that sister.
So why write all this? Well kids, funny enough, writing it here releives me of the worry and doubt surrounding the fear of "exposure" to negative influences. I will keep writing about it until I have this monkey off my back and these changes are cemented in place.
I want so much more now from life than I ever did before. I want it, but not at the cost of anyone else. Therin lies the first journey I must take. Where do I stop and the world begin? Truth be told right now there is no line of demarcation.
The world and I are the same flow of energy, moving in and out of lives, however breifly, leaving energy here, taking it there, always flowing though. I have to make a decision (or do I?) about where I stop and the world begins.
To free flow with the world has served me well to this point and I will never give up the flow or my part in it. All I want is a paddle... I want to be able to direct my own path through the flow of life's energies rather than just being washed where it takes me.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Ever felt alive?
"I feel like a newborn... Kicking and screaming..."
This song was playing and it spoke volumes. Do you know how freeing it is to be responsible for yourself? better yet, to be secure in the knowledge that YOU are in control of your destiny.
For year and years I have lived under the self imposed pretense that everything that happened to me was out of my control and in reality it is! Isn't that great!!!??
The difference now is I also realize that I control the reactions, the actions and the choices to be made from those events.
Beleive me, I know how stupid this sounds. This is common knowledge shit, right? I never REALIZED it applied to me too!
I swear I just want to stand up and shout because I feel like there is NOTHING I can't handle now. Handle, LIVE and experience with every part of me.
No more hiding... Not ever again. Wow. I suppose the best way to describe this feeling is I have switched on a light in a room that I had been dark for years. I knew where the walls were, knew there was a a door there somewhere and once in a while I would stumble across a chair or a table and know them for what they were.
The great thing is now that not only can I see the whole damn room and everything in it, but I can also see the walls are made of glass and can be shattered!!
Now don;t get me wrong. Flip the switch today. Cool. But I am not going to start throwing stones just yet. : )
Imagine a blind man given sight. Imagine the wonder in his mind as all the things he knew were there are now stark realities he can actually see!
So silly, this is nuts. I guess I have to qualify this blog entry by saying that for all those years I was in the dark, I THOUGHT FOR SURE I WAS NOT!!
I thought I had my tiny little space in this world dialed in, under control and humming the way I wanted it. Come to find out I have been blessed with the poeple in my life and the experiences I have had in spite of myself! That is the silly part!!!
I will NEVER go back to the dark. I will always keep this little glass house of my own creation. We all need safe haven. What I won't do is turn off the lights again. I couldn't.
Scary. Yes, a little. It is a little bit harder for people like me because when, in three seconds, you remove the blinders and carefully crafted parameters that defined me and I am shown the reality of who I am and what I am about it send me into a panic.
Those of you who saw the panic today, I apologize. I overcame it though and here I am back at the very thing that scared the living shit out of me.
I could continue to wax poetic (poeticwaxing.com) but I am just not sure what else to say.
It is almost too good to be true. Just when you think you have found the outer limits of who you are and what you beleive in, someone comes along and shows you you don't know as much as you thought you did.
Hard work ahead Captain. Bring it on!!
Mike
This song was playing and it spoke volumes. Do you know how freeing it is to be responsible for yourself? better yet, to be secure in the knowledge that YOU are in control of your destiny.
For year and years I have lived under the self imposed pretense that everything that happened to me was out of my control and in reality it is! Isn't that great!!!??
The difference now is I also realize that I control the reactions, the actions and the choices to be made from those events.
Beleive me, I know how stupid this sounds. This is common knowledge shit, right? I never REALIZED it applied to me too!
I swear I just want to stand up and shout because I feel like there is NOTHING I can't handle now. Handle, LIVE and experience with every part of me.
No more hiding... Not ever again. Wow. I suppose the best way to describe this feeling is I have switched on a light in a room that I had been dark for years. I knew where the walls were, knew there was a a door there somewhere and once in a while I would stumble across a chair or a table and know them for what they were.
The great thing is now that not only can I see the whole damn room and everything in it, but I can also see the walls are made of glass and can be shattered!!
Now don;t get me wrong. Flip the switch today. Cool. But I am not going to start throwing stones just yet. : )
Imagine a blind man given sight. Imagine the wonder in his mind as all the things he knew were there are now stark realities he can actually see!
So silly, this is nuts. I guess I have to qualify this blog entry by saying that for all those years I was in the dark, I THOUGHT FOR SURE I WAS NOT!!
I thought I had my tiny little space in this world dialed in, under control and humming the way I wanted it. Come to find out I have been blessed with the poeple in my life and the experiences I have had in spite of myself! That is the silly part!!!
I will NEVER go back to the dark. I will always keep this little glass house of my own creation. We all need safe haven. What I won't do is turn off the lights again. I couldn't.
Scary. Yes, a little. It is a little bit harder for people like me because when, in three seconds, you remove the blinders and carefully crafted parameters that defined me and I am shown the reality of who I am and what I am about it send me into a panic.
Those of you who saw the panic today, I apologize. I overcame it though and here I am back at the very thing that scared the living shit out of me.
I could continue to wax poetic (poeticwaxing.com) but I am just not sure what else to say.
It is almost too good to be true. Just when you think you have found the outer limits of who you are and what you beleive in, someone comes along and shows you you don't know as much as you thought you did.
Hard work ahead Captain. Bring it on!!
Mike
Mulligan
Let's begin again Finnegan.
This blog was first created to give me a place to jot down my thoughts and concerns and allow those around me to do the thinking and analyzing for me. I was hoping for neat, clean concise answers to my posts so I wouldn't have to do the work to come to any conclusions on my own.
Not only is that not fair to you, the reader, but it isn't fair to me.
So, here we go with Round 2.
Having ripped off the scab that has been covering a wound years old and souls deep, I stand before you naked and afraid.
To be more specific I stand here in the light of what has become a truth that cannot be ignored. I have spent years transfering the things I didn't like about myself onto those around me. These unsuspecting people could never understand why I was so upset about the things I was, and of course I could never understand why they couldn't see the obvious reasons why I would be.
The breakthrough came at me today like a brick through the window of my soul. Shattered are the illusions that this life and the way it is lived, perceived and reacted to are results of other people being who or what they are.
Life, in and of itself, is a solo sport. You may already know this, but for me this is a new revelation and an earthshaking one at that.
I am now faced with the unwavering truth that I have been responsible for not only my actions (which I knew of course) but for the actions I placed on others. I can no longer transfer my fears, guilt, longing, or any other emotion on an external source.
The reality for me from this second on is that there is no reality. Everything is a dream. You make of the dream what you wish by reacting in interacting with it. Choose a bad dream, choose a good dream, but choose you must.
For a long time I hid behind external devices for comfort and solace in the face of my reality. My reality was something I could not control, could not change, could not accept as "mine."
Now, ripped from the sleep of the unaware, I am face to face with a big, open and unpredictable world that is calling out for me to explore it.
Where does one start when just being born at 37 years old? Where do the old patterns and habits fit into the new reality of what is and isn't?
I have seen the light, Carol Anne. Now the choices will be bathed in that light. Thoughts, actions feelings, everything is unknown but familiar. Comfortable but strange. Everything is old but at the same time brand new.
Where will we go from here? I don't know yet. I don't and neither do you. Therein lies the beauty of it all.
Wish you were here? Shine on you crazy diamond.
Thank you for listening to this. I invite you to journey with me, in your own way and in your own space. Where do I go from here? I can't know that until I get there.
This blog was first created to give me a place to jot down my thoughts and concerns and allow those around me to do the thinking and analyzing for me. I was hoping for neat, clean concise answers to my posts so I wouldn't have to do the work to come to any conclusions on my own.
Not only is that not fair to you, the reader, but it isn't fair to me.
So, here we go with Round 2.
Having ripped off the scab that has been covering a wound years old and souls deep, I stand before you naked and afraid.
To be more specific I stand here in the light of what has become a truth that cannot be ignored. I have spent years transfering the things I didn't like about myself onto those around me. These unsuspecting people could never understand why I was so upset about the things I was, and of course I could never understand why they couldn't see the obvious reasons why I would be.
The breakthrough came at me today like a brick through the window of my soul. Shattered are the illusions that this life and the way it is lived, perceived and reacted to are results of other people being who or what they are.
Life, in and of itself, is a solo sport. You may already know this, but for me this is a new revelation and an earthshaking one at that.
I am now faced with the unwavering truth that I have been responsible for not only my actions (which I knew of course) but for the actions I placed on others. I can no longer transfer my fears, guilt, longing, or any other emotion on an external source.
The reality for me from this second on is that there is no reality. Everything is a dream. You make of the dream what you wish by reacting in interacting with it. Choose a bad dream, choose a good dream, but choose you must.
For a long time I hid behind external devices for comfort and solace in the face of my reality. My reality was something I could not control, could not change, could not accept as "mine."
Now, ripped from the sleep of the unaware, I am face to face with a big, open and unpredictable world that is calling out for me to explore it.
Where does one start when just being born at 37 years old? Where do the old patterns and habits fit into the new reality of what is and isn't?
I have seen the light, Carol Anne. Now the choices will be bathed in that light. Thoughts, actions feelings, everything is unknown but familiar. Comfortable but strange. Everything is old but at the same time brand new.
Where will we go from here? I don't know yet. I don't and neither do you. Therein lies the beauty of it all.
Wish you were here? Shine on you crazy diamond.
Thank you for listening to this. I invite you to journey with me, in your own way and in your own space. Where do I go from here? I can't know that until I get there.
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