Mulligan

Let's begin again Finnegan.

This blog was first created to give me a place to jot down my thoughts and concerns and allow those around me to do the thinking and analyzing for me. I was hoping for neat, clean concise answers to my posts so I wouldn't have to do the work to come to any conclusions on my own.

Not only is that not fair to you, the reader, but it isn't fair to me.

So, here we go with Round 2.

Having ripped off the scab that has been covering a wound years old and souls deep, I stand before you naked and afraid.

To be more specific I stand here in the light of what has become a truth that cannot be ignored. I have spent years transfering the things I didn't like about myself onto those around me. These unsuspecting people could never understand why I was so upset about the things I was, and of course I could never understand why they couldn't see the obvious reasons why I would be.

The breakthrough came at me today like a brick through the window of my soul. Shattered are the illusions that this life and the way it is lived, perceived and reacted to are results of other people being who or what they are.

Life, in and of itself, is a solo sport. You may already know this, but for me this is a new revelation and an earthshaking one at that.

I am now faced with the unwavering truth that I have been responsible for not only my actions (which I knew of course) but for the actions I placed on others. I can no longer transfer my fears, guilt, longing, or any other emotion on an external source.

The reality for me from this second on is that there is no reality. Everything is a dream. You make of the dream what you wish by reacting in interacting with it. Choose a bad dream, choose a good dream, but choose you must.

For a long time I hid behind external devices for comfort and solace in the face of my reality. My reality was something I could not control, could not change, could not accept as "mine."

Now, ripped from the sleep of the unaware, I am face to face with a big, open and unpredictable world that is calling out for me to explore it.

Where does one start when just being born at 37 years old? Where do the old patterns and habits fit into the new reality of what is and isn't?

I have seen the light, Carol Anne. Now the choices will be bathed in that light. Thoughts, actions feelings, everything is unknown but familiar. Comfortable but strange. Everything is old but at the same time brand new.

Where will we go from here? I don't know yet. I don't and neither do you. Therein lies the beauty of it all.

Wish you were here? Shine on you crazy diamond.

Thank you for listening to this. I invite you to journey with me, in your own way and in your own space. Where do I go from here? I can't know that until I get there.