Day 6

10:05 a.m.

Well like the wise man said... Here's your ticket son, now get on the train.

Today the train pulled back into pissedoffville and I have the lead car.

Why am I so damn angry again? It isn't readily apparent.

Keep trying to find a reason and none comes to mind. I'm eating well, sleeping plenty, running every morning, so what is it? Rhetorical question.

Thought perhaps I wanted to be alone, but got a taste of that and didn't like it, so that isn't it.

Still transferring I suppose, old habits...

Let's see how the day goes.


10:35 a.m.

Well leave it to me to be so mercurial that 30 minutes later I am fine again, right? LOL

Truth be told it was C who hipped me to what was causing the angst...

Having to deal with the stress of the Holidays with the family where my convictions will be severly tested is making me feel an impending doom that just isn't real.

I did talk to L last night and the desire to say "Hey, come on over!" was there and I fought it down.

So hang on to your seats kids, shit will be changing again shortly I'm sure!!

1:58 p.m.

From B: Mike, there's another line to that song that blows me away when I come to it every single time, and I'd be interested in hearing how it's affected you. Towards the end, Richard Patrick (lead singer) thunders at the top of his lungs "Hey Dad! Whaddya think about your son now?!" Laced with rafter-shaking rage, self awareness, and genuine, healthy pride it's like an eight word anthem to men everywhere, and each of us will feel it very differently.

As this song blasts in the background, I sit here thinking of how it affects me to hear this song. So much of what B has to say hits home with me every time. This song does just as you say, it makes you feel like you can do anything and damn well should!

I was never a music fan. I liked the few songs I liked and that was that. One of the major factors in my musical awareness has been Radio Paradise (www.radioparadise.com). If you haven't yet discovered it, give it one full day of your time and you will never leave.

Music has become for important for me and has become a catalyst for change. Songs can say so much about where you are in your life and can really show you where you want to be if you just listen.

Just last night I was having a conversation with someone who within the first three seconds of speaking with me said "you have the most amazing energy." Energy is life and life is energy (See String Theory Physics) and you must embrace it as such.

Music is also energy. At least for me (and B) it is. I can draw strength from it and I can use it to calrify and quantify emotions, I can use it to feel or change. I implore you to take the time today to find some energy flow inside of you and examine it.

2:20 p.m.

Can I just tell you that this blogging shit really is helping calm me down and staty centered. Rock on.

2:40 p.m.

Why is it the ones we care most about are the ones who most often dissapoint us? Proximity? I hate to think it is just the fact that you see them everyday making it more likely they will be the number one transgressor.

My little sister's bday was this week. Her fiancee had promised a surprise dinner, etc. That poor girl was left high and dry... No dinner, no presents, nothing. Not even from me which is killing me inside. I sent presents, but late, assuming they would be lost in the sauce of all her other gifts. Little did I know what it would have meant for at least one person who loves her to be there for her.

But it gets worse... She tried to call me several times when she was so sad about all this and I wasn't here for her for that either.

So what now?

I wrote back, sent love, sent gifts but still the damage is done. How can people be so damn cruel and heartless to those they love? Am I trying to hard to make up for the love her "family" should be giving her? Could I do anything less and still be ok with myself?

Some would say there is no way you can be there for her. Some would say you can't take the place of those closest to her... Granted. But I can try my very damn hardest to let her know she is loved no matter what. The very thing those she shares her day to day life with should be doing.

Love is a tricky thing. Some of us spend our whole lives running to it, others from it. Personally I couldn't be annything other than a peronification of love. I love unconditionally, stranger, family, animal, plant or mineral.

I guess that is why I am so flabergasted at this whole ordeal. Being half a globe away and not being able to do a damn thing about it is killing me too.

4:15 p.m.

Changes. How can they be so liberating for some and so detremental to others?

The thing about changes in who you are is the fact those around you don't change. You are forced to accept that your new changes may not fall in line with where your last changes brought you.

Personally I am scared that those who know me best will find a way to pull down this house of cards before the glue sets and the walls become made of steel.

See therein lies the fundamental problem with changing after so long as the same person. Everyone who has seen you try to change before and fall flat on your face (several times) assumes this is just another attempt, doomed to the same result as the last.

For me, it is different this time. There has been a baseline shift... My line in the sand has been crossed, wiped out and drawn again further up the beach. My challenge now is not how to find a way to become who I want to be, but rather to find a way to hold on to this new found enlightenment long enough for it to take hold and become my new reality.

I know the change has happened. I can feel it in my bones. Do I resent those around me for not seeing it? Perhaps I am just angry with the idea that these are the very people who can, without much effort or even meaning to, can make me doubt the reality of the change and waver in my conviction to it.

Why should I be so concerned with them if this is a soul deep, bone sure change? Because I doubt when I am instructed to. We all do. I can't have that in my life at this point.

I think it was Sheryl Crow who said "A Change Would Do You Good" Amen to that sister.

So why write all this? Well kids, funny enough, writing it here releives me of the worry and doubt surrounding the fear of "exposure" to negative influences. I will keep writing about it until I have this monkey off my back and these changes are cemented in place.

I want so much more now from life than I ever did before. I want it, but not at the cost of anyone else. Therin lies the first journey I must take. Where do I stop and the world begin? Truth be told right now there is no line of demarcation.

The world and I are the same flow of energy, moving in and out of lives, however breifly, leaving energy here, taking it there, always flowing though. I have to make a decision (or do I?) about where I stop and the world begins.

To free flow with the world has served me well to this point and I will never give up the flow or my part in it. All I want is a paddle... I want to be able to direct my own path through the flow of life's energies rather than just being washed where it takes me.